Maryana Veritax-Volskaya – psychologist-psychoanalyst, member of the psychotherapeutic league of Russia, on how to get out of the conflict with minimal losses
Life is not only family holidays and grandiose plans, but also everyday life, children, work, failures, fatigue, toxic people.
This is the reality in which we live and, whether we like it or not, we have to interact, accepting and giving not only positive energy.
The invisible “lump”, consisting of tension, suppressed emotions, discontent, innuendo, accumulates and reaches its climax. As a result, the internal conflict develops into an external one – “explosion”.
Conflict is a threat to the prosperity of any relationship and family in particular. The ability to preserve the presence of reality and choose the right communication style in such an environment is the key to maintaining a relationship. Getting out of the conflict with minimal loss of vitality and trauma to the psyche is a feasible and solvable task. If necessary, you can always contact a specialist. Any misunderstandings, disagreements must be resolved in dialogue, respecting the boundaries, speaking openly and directly.
And if the partners choose an ignorant position and silence.
The message: “I hear only myself”, “I put myself out of the couple” does not create a favorable environment for removing external confrontation and internal tension and loss of strength and resources.
At the same time, the partner is guided by only one thing – not to give “slack”. Relationships turn into a springboard for a power struggle, in which you cannot show your vulnerability and make concessions.
Where it leads? You already understand.
Disagreements in a couple are inevitable. Everyone has their own system of values, beliefs, character traits. The environment of upbringing, social norms, parental scenarios, and even an echo of psychological trauma, accumulated experience leaves an imprint on our assessments of what is happening and the choice in decision-making.
In a couple of mentally healthy people, there should be a mutual opportunity not only to speak out, but also to be heard, and not humiliated and rejected. Then there will be no obstacles and internal prohibitions for conducting a constructive dialogue. Silence will not turn into psychological torture.
A partner who is fenced off from another by a “wall” of devaluing silence often cannot decide for himself the main question – “is he ready to be part of a couple?”. And this makes it even more annoying.
He has to keep his distance. It is stressful and threatening. With the basic need for security, the fear of the unknown and uncertainty, the brain decently “strains” and shakes the mental state of the other partner, leading, at best, to neurosis.
The position: “I am not with you, but also not separately” does not allow you to feel yourself in reality, to live and be in the current moment of time. The feeling of a vacuum, which is filled with suspicions, fears, and questions, does not allow the partner to objectively and adequately assess his condition and what is happening around him.
It is appropriate to say that this is how one of the methods of psychological violence works – gaslighting. His goal is to make another doubt the adequacy of his perception of the world, and therefore, his own sanity. The consequences are clear … Sad.
It should be noted that silence cannot last forever. Sooner or later, silence is resolved by a “flash” of righteous anger – the reaction of the offended side with theatrical scenes of reproaches and accusations.
In fact, this is an attempt to “break the wall” of silence at any cost. To punch a hole in his armor, make him react – even if the answer is unpleasant.
Thus, the roles are played according to their own scenarios: the victim accepts the rules of the game imposed on her by the tormentor. Relationships finally turn into a “battlefield” where people are already on opposite sides of the barricades.
A union in which one speaks and the other ignores (does not listen) STOPS developing! This is a one-way trip.
Often, a more open partner cannot withstand the “decompression” and, “exhausted”, leave the battlefield – goes into a sacrificial fate.
We will not completely rule out the option that the other will think to learn to open up, make compromises. In most cases, this does not happen. History will repeat itself as “bad luck” in the following relationship. If he decides on them at all, that is also a big question.